Ramblings

32

2009-12-11T15:38:42Z

so wed was my birthday... and i always try to keep track of how those things go. it was unseasonably cold here in oregon. 12 degrees when i woke up. Jan and I grabbed breakfast a proceeded to Finley NWR for some geese watching and such. Many hawks and killdeer were also in attendance.

then i went to the craft center and spent several hours screenprinting with limited success.

went home and cuddled with moose dog, chatted with Bird, went to a gathering held in my honor at D's house. Jan, D, Justine and Neebin were in attendance. Good food and fun. There were several random automotive misadventures, art talk, music etc...

the night was long and in many ways bizzare, but a quality b-day!

blah

2009-06-27T17:27:14Z

today has me feeling a little bummed out.

i don't know why really... maybe it's the emptiness of corvallis on a summer weekend... maybe it's being alone in an empty town. maybe it's the realization that despite everything that's happened i still think she and i should be together.... and the realization that i am alone in that.... ugh

furthermore the library was closed... i need to work on my thesis... blah

The Gods Mock Me? Or Something...

2009-06-26T19:03:48Z

this morning i get on the bus... there are a few people on but i don't look at them. I walk to the very back and sit down.

i feel someone staring at me so i look up. at the front of the bus is a little girl maybe 10 or 11 years old. She is wearing a shirt with a heart on it, inside the heart is a penguin. She has long red hair to her waist tied back with a green-blue scrunchie.

In each hand she has a blue macaw feather. She stares at me, pensive, not smiling but not mean, just looking at me. I keep looking back at her. She twirls the feathers slowly between her fingers then puts them in her hair.

The bus stopped at the school and i got off, as i did she looked out the window at me.

i feel like life is very strange.

state

2009-06-22T14:43:43Z

those who know me know how much i hate cops

i think it says something when i can peacefully sleep through a dream about arrest, booking, and strip search but wake up in terror the second Bird shows up in my dream.

sleepless

2009-06-16T10:15:46Z

for whatever reason i can't sleep tonight.

per usual i miss bird, but that's not what woke me. i really don't know what did. not one to have insomnia... eh

oh well.

confusing

2009-06-15T15:05:56Z

so last night she calls (or jan called her) I am not really sure of the sequence, but at any rate I ended up on the phone with her. She says she's not sure if i want to talk to her, and when i say that obviously i still want to talk to her, she says that she wishes i still had my cell phone so that when she was thinking of me she could text me or call, that it's weird to contact me through jan's phone.

I am so conflicted because I want to talk to her but this whole weekend i felt like shit because i felt ignored. I don't see why it is a big deal to text someone at least once in the day to say hey, especially when you know this person will be very sad otherwise. On top of that, I am sort of glad to be rid of my cell phone. I realize that the only reason I got a phone was to give her 24/7 access to me. With her and I not being together anymore I no longer feel like anyone deserves 24/7 access to me. Maybe if we were dating ,or if i was on the road it would seem like a good idea, but outside of that...

Maybe if I get the bridge position and it becomes clear that i'll be in Oregon for at least 1 more year, I'll get a house phone. But I think the whole 24/7 access thing is a little messed up.

I've also come to realize that on prinicple i really dislike texting. It is all about avoidance and convenience. It seems to say I don't really want to talk to you, so I'll just text.Ok for things like, where are you? or Do we need milk? But not as a main form of communication. I could go on and on about this, but bottom line... a house phone would avoid this all together.

meh

2009-06-14T10:03:12Z

up, thinking sad.

stupid

2009-06-14T02:15:53Z

all day i've thought of her, missed her.... but has she thought of me? who knows? no sign i can see. i feel so fucking stupid but for some reason i can't help how i feel. missing her. thinking of her. hoping...

it's not in my nature to be so fucking dumb.

revolted

2009-06-10T14:24:25Z

I wake up from a flicker dream... to the reality of a gang of starlings at my feeder.

Why do I even care what happens? I know I should be so over this.

Why shouldn't I be? I mean I have been left before, sometimes in even worse fashion than this, but I cannot shake the feeling that this is so fucking wrong.

I can't escape the fact that every part of me revolts against this being the end.

I try to make myself angry so that I can cauterize this gaping wound, but that fails to satisfy.

sweetness

2009-06-10T03:23:02Z

for the past few days i've been helping my best friend put the finishing touches on a hugely important paper. It has been intellectually exhausting just helping, and being there through the stress.

today when it was over and i was feeling completely drained I realized how much i miss Bird

in the past, at times like these it was just the sight of her that would make everything worth it. she was this little well of sweetness and relief.

it it so lame without her.

hook up

2009-06-09T03:11:50Z

fri and sat I see this girl on campus, clearly gay but never seen her before. campus is big, but not that big. I feel like such a girl would've been seen before.

i know a friend who knows everyone (or so it seems) so i give a description and within 2 minutes it is made clear that she knows exactly who i mean, and has her number.

an offer is made to introduce us. i'm told she's an ag girl, just my type, and then it is suggested that this is what i need to "get over bird"

i am like... whoa... that's not what i want. i just wondered who this person was. to verify my "i'm taken" feeling a random old man in a bird refuge shirt shows up to join our talk... lol

wtf... life

Day

2009-06-08T03:35:39Z

This day is killing me. I don't know why but it feels especially hard today to deal with things. Maybe it's because I talked with her a little, or maybe its the weather... rain is always a bit depressing.

It was nothing she said. Our talk was brief very brief and overall fine. it's just this day

i came home from a day at the library working hard and i literally expected her to be there. I realized when i walked in the door that there had been this little excitment in my chest to see her at the end of the day... so lame since she has been gone for months.

i don't know what brought it on, but i feel like shit now.

her

2009-06-02T15:58:40Z

thinking of her all night and morning. just a deep love and lonely missing. what to do? nothing i suppose. but still it sucks.

she has been sending goodnight texts which are so nice to receive.

in our last phone talk she said she would go to a counselor who didn't have an agenda if i found one i could afford.

waiting to see if i get the bridge position. if i get that job then hell yes i can afford a counselor. if there is any hope at all for us to work things out (whatever that might mean. i'd be happy if she's even agree to date me), i want to try.

On Waking Alone

2009-05-30T15:25:54Z

Ths morning the sun was so beautiful in the apartment. I vividly recalled what it was like to see that sunlight on her back. How beautiful to let my face brush against her skin... to kiss her back until she woke.

meh.

Friday Four... a bit late

2009-05-30T13:58:50Z

(from beckyzoole)

1. What kind of week have you had?
2. If your boss asked you to work overtime today what would you say to him/her?
3. What are your plans for tonight and/or the weekend?
4. If you were given a gift card for $5,000 what would you spend it on this weekend? (Be specific!)

1.I've had a miserably emotional week. Though outside of all that drama thing have been ok

2.I'd say what is overtime? Lol. As a TA we all get a stipend, but if such a thing existed, i'd do it

3. This weekend I'm going to listen to my best buddy Jan speak at a conference. Her topic is women in post WWII labor unions. Then probably walk my dog (which is really Jan's dog but I do most of the care giving).

4. Oh um... I have been reflecting on how useful a car might be, but then there would be so many new bills attached to that.

I suppose if I had to spend it all in a weekend I'd go pay off my library fines, pay for my summer credit hours, and put the rest toward rent.

If it needs be spent in a store I'd go buy some materials for making raised beds, some soil and seeds, a new hose. And spend the rest on camping type gear.

talk

2009-05-29T16:41:36Z

we talked last night.

it was sad, but ultimately very nice to not feel merely tolerated. i don't know when we wil talk again and that is a horrible feeling but i know myself and i know that i can't handle things as they are.

i want more, i want things to be better and she is right, i am so impatient about these things. it makes me shitty when i least want to be.

i can accept this about myself and the only way to deal is to avoid contact. but that is really hard for me, because contact is exactly what i want... (no no not sexually) but emotionally, conversationally.

i will be glad when this is more resolved. whatever that might mean. when my emotions are no longer so raw. when i don't have to feel this way all of the time.

you know the feeling in your chest when you wake up from a dream that you're falling? I feel like that 24/7. my head feels like i've got a too tight hat on, and my neck and shoulders feel like i am being jabbed with knitting needles.

ugh i am in a state. and i want that to end.

Friends

2009-05-23T16:34:35Z

Trying to be friends with her is so challenging. She's off with the other one this weekend and so i know i won't hear from her much at all. On top of that I get the lovely image of them sleeping together to ride with me through the lonely weekend. But we're just freinds right so what do I care. It shouldn't bother me.

It does of course. But I am trying to just let it go.

It feels like being forgotten, it always does when those two are together because god knows i might get 4 texts per weekend... ugh

let it go...

confusion

2009-05-13T02:18:23Z

the past few days have felt postive... and today i miss her.

i miss too much. meh. nothing to say. nothing to do.

just keeping the record

encouragement

2009-05-06T00:37:54Z

yesterday i was feeling pretty upset about school/work issues. i called her because i wanted someone to listen to me bitch and encourage me.

although she was very sleepy she listend to me and offered good advice and stuff. yay

time time time

2009-05-04T22:30:32Z

so this past sunday Bird was supposed to stop by for diner.

she showed up and i was snarky... it started a fight. I tried to apologize, but the damage was done.

i hate myself for getting snarky. i resent the fact that when she sees me she sends numerous texts even during a short visit, that she will text me just 5 or 6 times in a weekend when she is with other "friends". I know last weekend she was with her family primarialy, and that's all well and good, but so often i feel like i am not a real concern.

i resent not being a person of importance in her life.

i resent the fact that she makes me feel like she doesn't want us. I can understand being afraid, hesitant, concerned... but not wanting this? i can't deal. i don't get it. for me, we were something so great, who doesn't want something great? bah

enough whining.

a recent work in progress

2009-04-17T21:26:42Z

The Proposal

On one knee, in the damp

December-scented hayloft, humming

with the breath of horses,I

handed you a paper crane,

folded into itself as

a prayer for peace. Or wait,

was it eternity?

Damn

2009-04-13T11:32:50Z

After what felt like weeks of feeling pretty good, I'm back to waking up from nightmares, crying in my sleep. I wake up looking for what is not here and will likely never be again. I feel sick.

This blows. Who knows what brought it on.

Ideal Woman

2009-04-01T17:06:47Z

So i thought it might be good for me to think about what i really want (this is strains of psych therapy coming through here). So far this is what I have. I invite anyone to prod me into deeper thinking on this list-ish-ness

She should-
Have a deep reverance for life
be kind to children, the elderly, animals and plants
be passionate and knowledgeable about a topic I don't know much about but am very interested in
appreciate the arts and have some artistic skill
be honest
be thoughtful
be faithful
love nature and being in nature
love travel
be witty
be bold
be able to do it all on her own but prefer to have me beside her
revere the spiritual and respect her ancestors
be noble
be creative
be adventurous
like to talk, listen and be silent with me
love me as i am but encourage me to improve and prod me when i am lazy
be determined and responsible
be practical
love to laugh, find me funny, and make me laugh in return
be forgiving
be brilliant
be compassionate
appreciate my skills, my efforts
tell me when i am falling short, help me to correct myself
be giving but strong and resolute in her ideals
have a smile that takes over her face and radiates her joy
have eyes that sparkle and speak
have beautiful hands that are capable, hardworking, and kind

Class One

2009-03-30T19:21:59Z

The term has begun.

So far I've had one class... and of course mid way through I was weeping, but this perhaps is the price one pays for studying the arts and not engineering.

The first bit of literature I've had to work with this term was o apt, I could not help but weep at it.

Midway in our life's journey, I went astray
from the straight road and woke to find myself
alone in a dark wood. How shall I say

what wood that was! I never saw so drear,
so rank, so arduous a wilderness!
Its very memory gives a shape to fear.

Death could scarce be more bitter than that place!-- Dante

In other news I sent out some goods to her, whom I love beyond logic. It has been suggested that she might come visit this weekend. I miss her, but perhaps I miss too much.

I have to truck off to Spanish class now. How depressing.

Adios...

sleep weep

2009-03-28T12:17:29Z

wake up co's i'm crying in my sleep. how fucking irritating.